Week Off - thoughts on voices and anger

This week, we don't go into prison for the Yokefellow session. A different volunteer does.

So, I'd like to send this blog time outlining some things I have been reading about; Anger, the voices we use, and if I have time enough, poverty.

This all relates to prison ministry and to life. Inmates often have anger issues, are unaware of the voices we can use, and are sometimes affected significantly by poverty.

I've been reading a really good book on understanding poverty - titled: A Framework to understanding Poverty, by Dr. Ruby Payne. I recommend it. Check your local library for a copy, or find it on Amazon.

The author says that there are three voices that a person uses throughout their life.

1. Child Voice - used by a young person
2. parent Voice - used to train / guide / teach / discipline a young person
3. Adult Voice - used when grown up (mature) people talk to each other.

Consider what voice you use through out your day. Which voice do you use with your fellow workers? With your children? With your spouse? What voice does your child use with you?

Note that the voice you, as an adult, want to reach for is the Adult Voice, where both speakers are equal in the conversation and respect is exchanged.

Trouble can occur when adults use the Parent Voice on other adults. It can be demeaning. It is certainly not appropriate to use the Parent voice during a Yokefellow session. I can lead the group through readings and discussion questions. But I am not a parent to the inmates. I am a peer. This is very different. A group leader does not come into the room as a person of elevated status. A leader comes into the group as an equal. Yes, order should me maintained, discussion should be guided for the good of the group. But in an all adult small group session, the leader is not the "parent". Such a stance can negatively limit discussion and participation of the group.

Take notice this week what "voices" are being used around you.

I'm also reading an Anger Management workshop book. The author states that there are three main reasons we get angry:

1. Our basic needs are not being met
2. Our self worth is not being recognized
3. Our convictions are not being respected

Now, put the 2 books together. Think about your small group sessions. Are everyone's opinions respected? Is anyone being interrupted? Is anyone using the "Parent" voice?

Part of the power of small groups is the ability to get people to "open up" and talk about the big issues in their lives. These 2 books are helping me understand why sometimes a group session goes well and others not so well.

In our lives, may we also respect the voices of others, listen to their concerns and needs, and respect their convictions.